Friday, February 26, 2010

Healing by Osmosis?

When I come in the door to my house, my first
thoughts are not (always) on doing whatever my
animals need done for them, even though I say
I care about them.

I am selfish and concerned about decompressing
after a long day. I don't think about how they've
been cooped up and devoid of company. I don't
appreciate the love and affection they show me;
I am annoyed that I have to perform.

I look to the answering machine for the 'magic
bullet' of proof that someone cares. My thoughts
tend not to be on "Who do I know that's going
through a rough time, that I should call and share
some encouragement with?"

(No, I feel lonely and self-pitying when there are
no messages on the machine. Once more, looking
to things outside of me for my strength and

The same is true every time I check e-mails, go
to the mailbox or Post Office box, and so on.
There's always a spirit of anticipation of "What's
coming my way to make me feel complete....

My focus is still on what others can do for me,
not what I can do for others (Thanks, Prez!)

We are by nature selfish creatures, but we
also have the duality of needing connection to
the rest of the world. These two things seem to
work at cross-purposes, until I discovered that
in seeking to be of service to others, and finding
a connection to something greater, I found a
place of contentment and belonging.

But the old ways die hard, and that angst can
pop up at any time.

Anger and frustration, irritation...they all emerge
from selfishness. If we block love from anyone
at any time, we are deciding the course not only of
their day, but our own.

Choosing not to love others enough as they are
is what results in anger, frustration, irritation, and
other low end emotions.

Focusing on our needs not being met (as we see
it,) rather than having gratitude for what is right--
is the penultimate selfishness and detached action.
There is always something that needs doing;
lonely people who need attention, sick people who
need care, hungry people, homeless people, hurt
animals, community needs, and so on.

The fact that need is never-ending is not an
overwhelming notion; it should be incentive to
start taking action. Every person has something to
offer, in ways large or small.

Love is never wasted action, no matter the reaction
or response. We don;'t always know what someone is
thinking or feeling; we do right for the sake of doing it.
Heck, do good deeds anonymously to get a real kick.
Positive action produces more of same.
Stagnation--withholding love and nursing pain--
maintains the status quo.

If not you, then who?
If we all wait for our princes and queens to save us,
we're going to be waiting a long time.

Even if there isn't a miraculous cure for our pity
as we engage others, we'll still make a difference.
It's still more productive than filling time. Perhaps the
gratitude and the release will come in time.
Getting outside of ourselves really is the best tonic
for all our ills.

Never-Ending Chain of Pain?

Things have been going better lately, but that's
with a lot of hard work, prayer, and painful growth.
(I always felt I was growing spiritually since I had
the pain part down; I neglected to notice that I was
not developing or changing my thinking.)

The other day, I actually got jealous that someone
was on a faster track to healthiness than I. There
was a sense of competition--and this was someone
I care for and want to be well! I was shocked and
repulsed by the feelings..but there they were,

A few nights back, an old hurt was brought up. All
the old anger and resentment and woundedness
came flooding back through my otherwise calm and
steady body. I felt disjointed at first; like I had been
teleported back in time. I steeled my nerves, meditated
for the removal of the anxiety, tried to rationalize
with myself that the feelings may have been real but
needn't necessarily be accepted as legit. Two days later,
the matter is still nipping at my heels.

Sick thinking can pop up at any moment. We get
most distracted by the unexpected hurts, the hurts
that took place in the past (and have been memorialized,)
and perceived hurts by those closest to us.

People are not perfect. They will disappoint us. This
is the nature of life; the good with the bad.
What I have discovered is that I have to look at my role
in things. What part did I play?

This doesn't imply nefarious evil scheming or a dark heart.
It simply means that we are creatures of habit, and without
knowing it, we have incorporated sick thinking and behavior
into our lives based on 'what we've always done' or 'never
thinking about it.'

I know that I have unrealistic expectations of what
level of commitment friends should have. I know that I
have a black hole for a soul and a needy desperate heart; there
will never be enough that people can do to make me feel
welcome, deserving, desirable, loved, or secure.

It isn't other people's responsibility. I have to take charge of
what my lacking is. And yes, it's infinitely easier said than done.
Finding purpose and spirituality and evenness is hard, painful
work. But it's necessary and worthwhile. We have to go through
the pain to experience it, comprehend it, and overcome it.

I still haven't addressed the hurt with the person who was
'responsible' for it. I haven't shared my thinking and feelings
about what happened, asked for an explanation (calmly,) or
explained why I feel as I do. Again letting my sickness lead.
How can a wound heal if it isn't exposed to the air to heal?

Do we change our expectations of others?
Accept them as flawed and imperfect-- just as we are--
where appropriate?
Do we seek other people who more closely match our ideals?
Do we cast them aside and go it alone, dismissing the good
out of hand with the bad?
Do we learn to voice our needs better?
To detach from hurts and expectations better?
Do we turn to something greater than ourselves as a source
of comfort instead of expecting everything from other people?

That's the journey--the adventure--we're given.
Choices. Options. Opportunities. Possibilities.
If we're willing to seek, grow, change, and move.
If I carry the same expectations throughout life and
continue to be wounded, at what point do I question
what I need to change about me?

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Blocking Flow

Seems that whether my universe is expanding
or contracting, my response is the same, left to
my own devices. I doubt.

When all my connections dissipated, when all
my old reasons for living disappeared, I began
a downward spiral.

I couldn't see my value through anything past
the external factors I had put my esteem in. All
the superficial reasons for my sense of self and
security--job, relationships, accomplishments,
money, reputation, friends, pets, things--were
now gone. Where was I left standing?

Now my world has ceased shrinking. It has in
fact begun to develop and nourish in ways not
seen before. I find myself alternately blessed
and grateful.... worried and conflicted.

I did not have any special skills and insights to
allow me to handle even the minimalist life
I had come to live. I was getting by, at the
bottom of the barrel, by faith and hope and
blind devotion to a higher ideal. Now that I
have started back into a larger world, this
has not changed.

If I start to over-analyze and wonder how
I can balance and juggle....if I question how or
why I have so much richness when others
still do not....if I question how I will manage
the trials and tribulations yet to come....I will
cause a break in the flow of energy that is
flowing through me.

I must choose to erase doubt and self-fear; I
must freely and willingly accept things at face
value. To do otherwise--to doubt--is to block
the flow of the universe. Like a child who tries
to cut open a butterfly to see what makes it
work, the beauty of a living thing is destroyed
in the process of comprehending it.

Saturday, February 20, 2010


FEAR = Forgetting

Friday, February 12, 2010

"The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost

"The Road Not Taken" Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

"IF" inspiration; There are those who have gone before

"IF" Rudyard Kipling

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

What's it gonna be?!

The cat's gonna do what the cat's gonna do....

The dog's gonna do what the dog's gonna do...

The kids are gonna be how kids are gonna be...

The spouse will say what the spouse will say...

The weather's gonna do what it's gonna do...

The boss is gonna be how the boss is gonna be....

Crazy parents will do what crazy parents do.....

The radio plays what the radio plays.....

God's gonna be what God's gonna be....

'Enemies' are gonna do what they were created to do.....

Friends will equally love and disappoint us.....

The only question is; "What am I going to do?"

Sunday, February 7, 2010


This is a little something I pulled together to say for myself before
my support meetings. I finds that I need to center myself and get
'right' in my head before I can interact well with others.

I'm a work in progress, and I am far from perfect. When I overlook
doing what I know I need to do, like respect others and myself by
acting intelligently and maturely, everybody pays the price.

Some of these are comments I have heard other wise people use, some
are my own thoughts, some are reinterpretation of written ideas put
in words that suit me better. The purpose of this devotion is to change
my old, stinking, self-involved thinking--not to be lauded as Shakespeare
or steal credit for good sense!

These are my goals, my intentions; I will falter. There are three very
important factors to remember when I fall;
1) Don't drink over it.
2) Get my ass back up (Don't quit)
3) Keep on coming back. A 'time-out' is different from 'game-over.'

Pre-meeting devotion

I choose to accept each and every member of this fellowship
as the blessed child of the Universe that they are.

I give myself permission to be free and honest and open
with my soul, and no longer depend on others' approval or
permission. I, too, am a blessed child of the God.

I allow others their resentments and judgments, knowing
it reflects on their real pain and suffering--their own issues--
and doesn't reflect on my value.

I will love these people as my Brothers and Sisters in warfare,
based on my understanding that it is the right thing to do,
not based on specific actions or words.

Through the grace God has bestowed upon me, I will learn to
channel that grace in my dealings with others.

Other people-- how they dress, how they talk, what they talk about,
how often they attend, their motivations, their habits, their involve-
ment, their reactions--are none of my business. My opinion of them
is neither required nor desired. I need not speak every thought that
enters my mind.

My focus needs to be on being the best person I know to be; nothing more.

I will love you in spite of yourself. I, too, know rage and fear.

I will love you when you pull away. I, too, know hurt.

I will love you when you don't reciprocate. I know not to take personally
another person's woundedness.

I will love you, and there is nothing you can do about it.

If I feel alone, I will approach you.

If I need attention, I will ask for it.

If I am feeling hurt, I will not accept it as fact.

If I feel the need to complain, let me be at peace.

Let me exemplify to others the calm and compassion I wish to experience.

Pain may be a part of the process, but misery is optional.

Just for this moment, let me be alive in life, focused on what is truly important;
and Kindness.


I've heard this credited to Veronica Shoffstall, and I've heard that disputed.

I've heard it entitled "Comes the Dawn" and "After A While."

Doesn't really matter; the words are brilliant, and a great inspiration to take the
road of higher emotions and leave the insanity of bondage and limitations in the

I was reminded of how much I love--and need to incorporate--the message of
this poem at a phenomenal meeting last night, wherein an important influence
and inspiration in my life was being honored. The message's presence was timely
and appreciated, just like my friend.

Hopefully, you can see some truths in the piece, and make your way to honoring
the good in the world by setting it free, and being easy.

Blessings, Robert


After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Openness to change

It is the nature of
life to be altered
by the things we

A person who does not
does not truly live.

N AMASTE' blessing/prayer

Daily Prayer

I pray that all goodness and mercy
are bestowed upon all people today.

I ask that love and kindness fill up
even those that would count me as
an enemy. Especially them.

I accept the blessings of every wonder
and gift that has been mine, is mine
now, and will be coming in the future.

I envision and embrace wellness and
strength and hope for those I care
most deeply about. May I give back
a fraction of what has been given me.

Let me not stand in the way of light
and compassion not one moment this
day; let me be free of complaints and
worries. Let me be at peace, within.

I Believe

I believe.

I believe in forces unseen.

I believe in powers greater than me or my
limited consciousness.

I believe in possibility and good thoughts
and prayer and positive thinking and chakras
and channeling and energy and fields and
forces beyond human comprehension.

I believe in good things, good people,
good ideas, good words, good works, and
other blessings that are sometimes hard to

I believe there is another world beyond
the science and mind and rationality and
chaos of this physical world.

I believe in things unseen, unheard, unspoken, the traditional sense, at least.

I believe.

Miracle of Life

Look forth on all of true creation this day...

see the miracle that exists in every creature...

look beyond the mess that man has made...

for a gift ill-used does not reflect on the giver.

Let it begin with me

Let loose my hardened and cynical heart...

fill me with gratitude for every blessed

creation, both big and small, in places

known and unknown, expected and

unexpected. My eyes have grown used

to seeing only darkness, my brain has

absorbed every negativity and criticism,

my heart is weak and jaded, but all of

this can change with perspective, passion,

possibility, and perception.

Open me up to witness reminders of all

that is good; and let me bring about the

good I am capable of while I await.

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

To withhold our true self from the world
is to cast aside the only gift we have.

This world fumbles and shrieks and cracks
from the burden of lives left unlived,
people left unloved,
thoughts left unexpressed,
joys left unexperienced.

A life lived in fear of rejection, turmoil,
judgment, or misunderstanding can lead
only to a hollow, bitter end.

We kill ourselves with every suppression.

How we see ourselves...

It's not the job of other people to:
-hold us in esteem
-promote our worth
-hold our head high
-shrug off criticism
-be proud of our attributes
-stand strong against judgment
-embrace us as the gift we are

We have the power, the right, and the need
to take responsibility for engineering all
aspects of our life.

We can start by accepting every bit of
ourselves. If there are aspects we want to
work on, then we work on them, but without

We can work towards a goal for improving
ourselves, but we have to envision ourselves
as worthy and capable in the here-and-now
in order to get there.


Lean On Me......

Some times call for extending our scope to include
the outside world. Outside ideas, perspective, input,
companionship, or a boost up.

We have to be willing to admit the need when it arises.

Everyone on the planet needs some help at some point.
There is no shame in asking for help. Only the idea in
our heads that doing so makes us weak, lazy, stupid, or
some other lie from those dark places within us.

There is a real strength to overcoming societal
stigma and inner protests to ask for assistance.
And if you don't get your needs met the first time,
KEEP asking until you do!

"LEAN ON ME" by Bill Withers

Sometimes in our lives,
we all have pain,
we all have sorrow.
But, if we are wise,
we know that there's
always tomorrow.

Lean on me,
when you're not strong
and I'll be your friend;
I'll help you carry on...
for, it won't be long
'til I'm gonna need
to lean on.

Please, swallow your pride,
if I have things
you need to borrow....
For, no one can fill those needs
that you won't let show.

You just call on me brother
when you need a hand....
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem
that you'll understand.
We all need somebody to lean on.
Lean on me
when you're not strong,
and I'll be your friend.
I'll help you carry on,
for, it won't be long
'til I'm gonna' need
somebody to lean on.

You just call on me brother
if you need a friend.
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem
that you'll understand.

We all need somebody to lean on.
If there is a load
you have to bear
that you can't carry....
I'm right up the road,
I'll share your load...
if you just call me.
Call me ( if you need a friend)
Call me

Random offerings....

Many things can destroy. Only a heart can love...only a mind can choose hope...only a soul can heal.

If we focus on how we can help that person who's having trouble, rather than criticize their circumstance--or decisions that led there-- the transformative energies are amazing!

A person with a journey rather than a destination is always more fulfilled! Hang in there, kid! It's a constant unveiling...and we are all invited along to witness it.

A person of worry and a person of action can not coexist within a single body; eventually, one discipline must prevail.

If we spend our whole lives waiting for some miracle to occur, for some hero to arrive, we avoid the responsibility inherent in ourselves. We are that hero, waiting for our courage to manifest. We are that miracle, waiting for the opportunity to be birthed. The right time to risk is always now.