Sunday, February 21, 2010
Seems that whether my universe is expanding
or contracting, my response is the same, left to
my own devices. I doubt.
When all my connections dissipated, when all
my old reasons for living disappeared, I began
a downward spiral.
I couldn't see my value through anything past
the external factors I had put my esteem in. All
the superficial reasons for my sense of self and
security--job, relationships, accomplishments,
money, reputation, friends, pets, things--were
now gone. Where was I left standing?
Now my world has ceased shrinking. It has in
fact begun to develop and nourish in ways not
seen before. I find myself alternately blessed
and grateful.... worried and conflicted.
I did not have any special skills and insights to
allow me to handle even the minimalist life
I had come to live. I was getting by, at the
bottom of the barrel, by faith and hope and
blind devotion to a higher ideal. Now that I
have started back into a larger world, this
has not changed.
If I start to over-analyze and wonder how
I can balance and juggle....if I question how or
why I have so much richness when others
still do not....if I question how I will manage
the trials and tribulations yet to come....I will
cause a break in the flow of energy that is
flowing through me.
I must choose to erase doubt and self-fear; I
must freely and willingly accept things at face
value. To do otherwise--to doubt--is to block
the flow of the universe. Like a child who tries
to cut open a butterfly to see what makes it
work, the beauty of a living thing is destroyed
in the process of comprehending it.