AFTER A WHILE........

I've heard this credited to Veronica Shoffstall, and I've heard that disputed.

I've heard it entitled "Comes the Dawn" and "After A While."

Doesn't really matter; the words are brilliant, and a great inspiration to take the
road of higher emotions and leave the insanity of bondage and limitations in the
past.

I was reminded of how much I love--and need to incorporate--the message of
this poem at a phenomenal meeting last night, wherein an important influence
and inspiration in my life was being honored. The message's presence was timely
and appreciated, just like my friend.

Hopefully, you can see some truths in the piece, and make your way to honoring
the good in the world by setting it free, and being easy.

Blessings, Robert

***************************************************************************

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Reason for the Season(ing)?

There was a time when my past pains and current 'limitations' seemed doubtlessly insurmountable. By dwelling constantly on what seemed wrong, what had gone wrong, what was likely never to change, I found myself in a quagmire of hopelessness. This consumptive thinking is also self-fulfilling prophecy, which it kind of helps to know!

When you feel despair, it's deceptive. Convinces you that its voice alone is true. Convinces you that the seduction of self-pity is more rewarding than graceful struggle. After all, life is instability, movement, flow, and change. 'Success' is not about a dollar amount or acceptance from others; those things are unreliable. Learning to know our inner selves, and accepting what we find...this is the task we have before us, and it is a lifelong journey.

I've been thinking about influence recently. Last night I heard about how people can take the difficulties of the past and use it to the advantage of another suffering person. That we can transform heartache into hope by sharing our personal story with others. Making use of a tragedy or hardship to build a bridge.

Last night wasn't the first time I had thought of this notion of being of service through taking the risk of being open. This quote sums it up for me.

"It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind."
- Alex Karras

The most connected and warm feelings in my life have come from two kinds of experiences--both of them opposite sides of the same coin.

Years ago, when the city of Tampa was having hearings to repeal the "Gay Rights" ordinance, I was active in speaking out against the measure. (I was defending the need to have protection under the law. All that 'overturn the denial of the affirmative' gets confusing!) I was handing out a newsletter I had written defending my position and giving specific examples of how gay and lesbian people are hurt by such measures. One guy I handed a paper to circled back several times on the campus that day, and I was a tad concerned about personal safety. Finally, he approached me and said very simply "Thank you for being out here and doing this for those of us that can't." And then he simply walked away.

That incident was an awakening of spirit and soul for me that has kept me going through many dark nights. A revelatory inspiration. The connection I felt to humanity that day allowed me the strength needed to keep working all these years. I have had a small handful of similar incidents happen through the years, generally when the isolation and loneliness of being an outspoken agent of unpopular sentiment is about to overtake me. I thank the Universe for these blessings of feedback.

The other thing that has assisted me is when another person stands up and speaks out, in ways big or small. Whether it's Linda Ellerbee fighting to keep journalism alive and well, or Nadine Smith keeping the fight for Equality alive, or even a Christian who stands up in their congregation to say they disagree with an action of the church. Could even be a friend who risks sharing a secret with you; this is the most sacred trust of all. These are the things that shape us.

We often never know the impact of our actions or words on another person. In management they teach you that for every person who speaks up about an issue, there are an average 10 to 15 people who feel similarly but said nothing. With political and sexual matters--which are, unfortunately, the same in this country-- I imagine the number of mute admirers is greater. (plus, there are always plenty more detractors willing to share their opinions than there are supporters. Just the nature of the beast.)

We may never know the impact we have on other people in this life. Why would we waste precious energy assuming that no one cares and we have nothing to offer, when the opposite could just as likely be true? That we have impacted more people than we know. That we have helped others through the courage of our convictions, though we may never know it.

The point of speaking up and speaking out is not to receive praise or admiration! It is certainly not to receive financial benefits! (As my dear friend Ernestica says: "No-no-no-no-NO-no-no! IT ain't that kind of party!") We do what we do for the rightness of it. Because truth needs to be spoken.

When I share who I am, other men and women who are attracted to the same sex know that they are not alone. We may never speak personally. We may have nothing else in common. But when the world tells you to hand your head and feel shame for what you feel, and you see that not everyone buys into that garbage, there is hope. Others inspired me thus.

When I relate without trepidation that I suffer from depression and mental illness, it gives a real face. It eliminates stigma and fear. It creates understanding. It links others in the same boat to me.

When I reveal that I survived an abusive childhood, that gives hope to someone else who is enduring one now. It gives connection to someone else who went through their own hell. Possibly, hopefully, it allows a burden of aloneness to be lifted off the shoulders of another suffering person. Let's them know it can be put in the past, and a future free of fear awaits us.

When I stand tall and face oppression head-on, I show others that 'lying back and taking it' does not have to be an option. If I am able to find courage and fierceness to face life and injustice, then anyone can do so.

We all need connection to others in order to survive. We need to know we aren't alone, and know that our desires and loves and needs are not absurd. We need to be acknowledged for our genuine selves, not the plastic facade the world teaches us to present in polite company. I risk telling 'too much' so that someone else doesn't have to suffer for feeling completely insane or all alone in the world. Far too many are stripped bare of their personhood for the sake of fitting in and making others comfortable.

Time was, I couldn't imagine that my experience could offer anything to anyone. Still don't know in what ways it might be used, and that's okay. If I wait until there's a 'perfect' opening to say the perfect words and actively try to have an impact on a specific person...I may be waiting a good long time. But if I live openly and honestly in my world, then the possibility of impacting people increases exponentially. I may never know the specifics of said impact, but it isn't about recognition.

I'm right where I need to be; living out loud and proud. Hoping to be of service to others. Showing by example, as best I know how, to be the person I was born to be. Hopefully, letting others know that they are perfect just the way they came to be in the world, no matter what anyone else says.

It's Been a Hell of a Week.....

And it ain't over yet, sweethearts.

As the seemingly universal suck-ass week continues, we soar headlong into a Full Moon
on the 29th. A full moon's pervasive intensification of moods and emotions takes place several days in and out of the actual designated Full Moon night.

(For those unaware, the moon has extreme influence over the human body and mind, since we humans are made up predominantly of water. Those of us with additional components prone to influence--mental disorders, addictive personalities, physical handicaps, emotional issues, etc.--are especially affected.)

The energies of the world, its people, its events...they do not happen in a vacuum. Once some tremendous wave of energy becomes manifest, it permeates other people, places, and things. We are all interconnected, and the possibility of 'picking up' excess prevalent energies is increased.

Where has it all come from? Where did it begin? What started this whole disastrous week of despair and heartache?

January was already the month where the highest number of break-ups occurred. Statistically speaking, relationships explode into nothingness this month as a result of a variety of factors. But is that not the result of other energies influencing destructive, apathetic behavior?

We just went through a rough holiday season where high numbers of people had to adjust to a completely new financial and sociological norm, feeling the sting of less income, no income, inability to provide for families, and other matters that can break a spirit in a heartbeat.

Maybe all the constancy of palpable animosity in this country over our President, the Health Care debate, the deepening schism of seemingly insurmountable disagreements between the 'Two Americas' has become too tiresome and pervasive.

Post-Holiday Season is also a big time for suicides and suicidal tendencies. People get despondent and discouraged, deflated and disappointed that a 'new year' has not started producing any (noticeable) significant changes to their liking. They start imagining that this perceived bad luck will continue endlessly. We become friends with 'worst case scenarios' and desolation.

The earthquake in Haiti was been a non-stop television spectacle for many. It's impossible to keep the imagery of such loss from affecting our subconscious, no matter how strong or jaded we imagine ourselves to be. The bombardment of such negativity and despair only leads to useless hand-wringing and obsessive negativity for many. The best thing to do is disconnect from what has happened and focus on improving what we can, placing our minds on the positive.

There are those in this country who have utilized fear and confusion to their own economic advantage. Preying on the masses, religious leaders and talk show pundits have beat the war drums, decrying that "The End is Near!" Tearing down is easier to do than building up; more profitable, too. The mob mentality of defeatism, blame, and presumed unavoidable catstrophe
is sucking the life force from our country.

We're also creatures open to the whims of fate, if we aren't dedicated to a chosen path of specific way of thinking. We are easily influenced by the world around us. When everyone at work is having a horrible week, somehow things in our lives start 'going badly' too, and we start to draw an unscientific conclusion that it's "just a bad week." There may be some truth in that, but it is not an unavoidable destiny.

We have within us the capacity for harboring any storm. We have the ability to detach from emotion and circumstance and determine for ourselves that we needn't give in to despair, depression, apathy, the sway of anger, hopelessness, or other dark thoughts.

Because when we allow our minds to be tainted by such temporary impressions, the decisions we make can have far-reaching effects that color and impact our future accordingly. This is not evidence that difficulties are unavoidable; rather it's proof that our outlook has direct influence on the manifestation of reality. We expect, and thus it transpires.

We have choices.
No matter how devastated we feel.....
no matter what tragedy has befallen us.....
no matter how many other 'bad things' have occurred this day/week/month/year/lifetime......
we don't have to give up.
We don't have to lay down and take it.
We don't have to be victims.
We don't have to erupt with anger.
We don't have to end jobs or relationships or other things of value due to despair.

Life is all things; the bad is part of the mix. It's not more important or less important
or irrelevant or all-encompassing. It just is.

Death, no matter the age or circumstance, is a part of the equation. Dealing with the loss, grief, rage and shock of it is part of the journey, too. If life were something that never ended, how would we be able to acknowledge the value of those lives that matter to us? How would we gauge the significance? If people were always going to be around, would we have any reason to care at all?

Sickness, hardship, losing prestige, stuff breaking, people betraying, hurt feelings, stubbed toes, split pants, broken nails.....they might all be copacetic on their own (or at least manageable) but when they team up on us? It can seem awfully much like a pattern. Like a conspiracy. It can knock us down, rob us of our will, weaken our resolve, and shake our foundation.

"And still I rise...." (Thank you, Maya!)

Choices make all the difference. We are all in this together; you are not alone. Somewhere, somebody else is going through hell too. Keep going. There is nothing that can happen on this earth which can defeat you...without your permission.

I used to aspire to 4 things for a day to be considered successful;
*Get through the day without:
-Killing someone else
-Killing myself
-Taking a drink or drug
-Going to jail

Now my standards are a bit higher. (I still maintain those four standards, though!)
I want to do more than survive; I want to thrive.

That's a choice I have to make before the shit hits the fan; I have to keep making that decision throughout every stumbling block and surprise that comes my way. I have the power, and so do you.

Believing in your ability and worthiness might be the first step you have to take.