Things have been going better lately, but that's
with a lot of hard work, prayer, and painful growth.
(I always felt I was growing spiritually since I had
the pain part down; I neglected to notice that I was
not developing or changing my thinking.)
The other day, I actually got jealous that someone
was on a faster track to healthiness than I. There
was a sense of competition--and this was someone
I care for and want to be well! I was shocked and
repulsed by the feelings..but there they were,
A few nights back, an old hurt was brought up. All
the old anger and resentment and woundedness
came flooding back through my otherwise calm and
steady body. I felt disjointed at first; like I had been
teleported back in time. I steeled my nerves, meditated
for the removal of the anxiety, tried to rationalize
with myself that the feelings may have been real but
needn't necessarily be accepted as legit. Two days later,
the matter is still nipping at my heels.
Sick thinking can pop up at any moment. We get
most distracted by the unexpected hurts, the hurts
that took place in the past (and have been memorialized,)
and perceived hurts by those closest to us.
People are not perfect. They will disappoint us. This
is the nature of life; the good with the bad.
What I have discovered is that I have to look at my role
in things. What part did I play?
This doesn't imply nefarious evil scheming or a dark heart.
It simply means that we are creatures of habit, and without
knowing it, we have incorporated sick thinking and behavior
into our lives based on 'what we've always done' or 'never
thinking about it.'
I know that I have unrealistic expectations of what
level of commitment friends should have. I know that I
have a black hole for a soul and a needy desperate heart; there
will never be enough that people can do to make me feel
welcome, deserving, desirable, loved, or secure.
It isn't other people's responsibility. I have to take charge of
what my lacking is. And yes, it's infinitely easier said than done.
Finding purpose and spirituality and evenness is hard, painful
work. But it's necessary and worthwhile. We have to go through
the pain to experience it, comprehend it, and overcome it.
I still haven't addressed the hurt with the person who was
'responsible' for it. I haven't shared my thinking and feelings
about what happened, asked for an explanation (calmly,) or
explained why I feel as I do. Again letting my sickness lead.
How can a wound heal if it isn't exposed to the air to heal?
Do we change our expectations of others?
Accept them as flawed and imperfect-- just as we are--
Do we seek other people who more closely match our ideals?
Do we cast them aside and go it alone, dismissing the good
out of hand with the bad?
Do we learn to voice our needs better?
To detach from hurts and expectations better?
Do we turn to something greater than ourselves as a source
of comfort instead of expecting everything from other people?
That's the journey--the adventure--we're given.
Choices. Options. Opportunities. Possibilities.
If we're willing to seek, grow, change, and move.
If I carry the same expectations throughout life and
continue to be wounded, at what point do I question
what I need to change about me?