Saturday, July 3, 2010

Independence Daze

"Freedom's just another word for 
'nothing left to lose.'"

The perpetually grueling task before me is that I must be
focused on the changes needed in me, instead of finding
fault in my brother or sister's actions. Wah! It's so much
easier to critique others and feel falsely superior!

Here goes.

My lack of socializing has led me to be defensive. I tend to
blame others for imagined indignities when in fact it is
my own internalized conflict, lack of confidence, discomfort
in a crowd, or other dis-ease that is likely the culprit.

If the spotlight is off me, I get frustrated and angry. I don't
consider that what others share is equally as important to
them as mine was to me! How could it be? I didn't find their
sharing significant; how could they? Certainly it couldn't
compare to what I was offering!

I'm having a bad day and need some TLC? What better way to
express that than acting like everything is fine..but boiling
inside because no one is reading my mind to know what I want
and need! And then isolating and stewing on it further rather than
seeking someone out and asking for what I need.

I'm still that scared little boy inside, who would rather pick up his
marbles and go home, avoid humanity altogether, or
end a
friendship rather than address what's really going on. The false self
I learned to project to the world for protection worked, but the time
has come to let down walls...even a little. Even if only selectively.

I have so little faith in other people. Some of it's justified, based on
how I have been done and how people still are. Some of the apprehension
is from my unrealistic expectation that other people be the perfect
and sympathetic servicers of my needs, 100% attentive and available
24 hours a day. Not meeting those standards is grounds for 'failure' in
my sick mind, even though I myself am not that good to anyone else.

Knowledge and understanding is the key starting point. I have to be
aware of an issue before I can improve on it. Hopefully, learning to
release my demands of others and allowing them to be who they are,
in conjunction with taking responsibility for 'my part in things,' can lead
to healthier interactions.

People can't love me if they don't know who I am.

Have a safe and happy Independence Day, all.

Much love, always (even if I'm not well enough to show it).... Robert

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