Never-Ending Chain of Pain?

Things have been going better lately, but that's
with a lot of hard work, prayer, and painful growth.
(I always felt I was growing spiritually since I had
the pain part down; I neglected to notice that I was
not developing or changing my thinking.)

The other day, I actually got jealous that someone
was on a faster track to healthiness than I. There
was a sense of competition--and this was someone
I care for and want to be well! I was shocked and
repulsed by the feelings..but there they were,
nonetheless.

A few nights back, an old hurt was brought up. All
the old anger and resentment and woundedness
came flooding back through my otherwise calm and
steady body. I felt disjointed at first; like I had been
teleported back in time. I steeled my nerves, meditated
for the removal of the anxiety, tried to rationalize
with myself that the feelings may have been real but
needn't necessarily be accepted as legit. Two days later,
the matter is still nipping at my heels.

Sick thinking can pop up at any moment. We get
most distracted by the unexpected hurts, the hurts
that took place in the past (and have been memorialized,)
and perceived hurts by those closest to us.

People are not perfect. They will disappoint us. This
is the nature of life; the good with the bad.
What I have discovered is that I have to look at my role
in things. What part did I play?

This doesn't imply nefarious evil scheming or a dark heart.
It simply means that we are creatures of habit, and without
knowing it, we have incorporated sick thinking and behavior
into our lives based on 'what we've always done' or 'never
thinking about it.'

I know that I have unrealistic expectations of what
level of commitment friends should have. I know that I
have a black hole for a soul and a needy desperate heart; there
will never be enough that people can do to make me feel
welcome, deserving, desirable, loved, or secure.

It isn't other people's responsibility. I have to take charge of
what my lacking is. And yes, it's infinitely easier said than done.
Finding purpose and spirituality and evenness is hard, painful
work. But it's necessary and worthwhile. We have to go through
the pain to experience it, comprehend it, and overcome it.

I still haven't addressed the hurt with the person who was
'responsible' for it. I haven't shared my thinking and feelings
about what happened, asked for an explanation (calmly,) or
explained why I feel as I do. Again letting my sickness lead.
How can a wound heal if it isn't exposed to the air to heal?

Do we change our expectations of others?
Accept them as flawed and imperfect-- just as we are--
where appropriate?
Do we seek other people who more closely match our ideals?
Do we cast them aside and go it alone, dismissing the good
out of hand with the bad?
Do we learn to voice our needs better?
To detach from hurts and expectations better?
Do we turn to something greater than ourselves as a source
of comfort instead of expecting everything from other people?

That's the journey--the adventure--we're given.
Choices. Options. Opportunities. Possibilities.
If we're willing to seek, grow, change, and move.
If I carry the same expectations throughout life and
continue to be wounded, at what point do I question
what I need to change about me?

Devotion

This is a little something I pulled together to say for myself before
my support meetings. I finds that I need to center myself and get
'right' in my head before I can interact well with others.

I'm a work in progress, and I am far from perfect. When I overlook
doing what I know I need to do, like respect others and myself by
acting intelligently and maturely, everybody pays the price.

Some of these are comments I have heard other wise people use, some
are my own thoughts, some are reinterpretation of written ideas put
in words that suit me better. The purpose of this devotion is to change
my old, stinking, self-involved thinking--not to be lauded as Shakespeare
or steal credit for good sense!

These are my goals, my intentions; I will falter. There are three very
important factors to remember when I fall;
1) Don't drink over it.
2) Get my ass back up (Don't quit)
3) Keep on coming back. A 'time-out' is different from 'game-over.'

**************************************************************
Pre-meeting devotion

I choose to accept each and every member of this fellowship
as the blessed child of the Universe that they are.

I give myself permission to be free and honest and open
with my soul, and no longer depend on others' approval or
permission. I, too, am a blessed child of the God.

I allow others their resentments and judgments, knowing
it reflects on their real pain and suffering--their own issues--
and doesn't reflect on my value.

I will love these people as my Brothers and Sisters in warfare,
based on my understanding that it is the right thing to do,
not based on specific actions or words.

Through the grace God has bestowed upon me, I will learn to
channel that grace in my dealings with others.

Other people-- how they dress, how they talk, what they talk about,
how often they attend, their motivations, their habits, their involve-
ment, their reactions--are none of my business. My opinion of them
is neither required nor desired. I need not speak every thought that
enters my mind.

My focus needs to be on being the best person I know to be; nothing more.

I will love you in spite of yourself. I, too, know rage and fear.

I will love you when you pull away. I, too, know hurt.

I will love you when you don't reciprocate. I know not to take personally
another person's woundedness.

I will love you, and there is nothing you can do about it.

If I feel alone, I will approach you.

If I need attention, I will ask for it.

If I am feeling hurt, I will not accept it as fact.

If I feel the need to complain, let me be at peace.

Let me exemplify to others the calm and compassion I wish to experience.

Pain may be a part of the process, but misery is optional.

Just for this moment, let me be alive in life, focused on what is truly important;
Love,
Truth,
and Kindness.