Forgiveness

Forgiveness is bandied about a lot in spiritual and

recovery circles. An easily spoken word, often with
long and trying strides at achieving it. Maybe a
lifetime of efforts even.


Forgiveness as a concept certainly makes sense to me.
Manifesting it is another matter.


Even after many years of fighting, I began to see the
insights that holding resentments solves nothing. That
we only further problems and anxiety by holding tight.
That we hurt ourselves more than the other person.


All of that made sense, but the deeply defiant Self
in me would not allow mellowing. Would not accept that
to let go was not making me more vulnerable. My only
defense against unkndness and hurt had been to make an
identity around it, throwing up roadblocks to ever
allowing it to occur again.


(Not that it was particularly successful ploy, but you
know how brilliant ideas go!)


I shut myself off, seeing that as the only option.
Getting back on the bike seemed like foolishness itself.
Letting down defenses seemed stupidity. But it's what I
had to learn to do.
I was throwing more anger and more hate at situations
that had already produced enough. Situations and people
that had originated from such parasites already.


All I was doing with my rage and remembrance and
indignity and pain was continuing my own suffering.
I was now responsible for my own own lacking, and that
was a hard bitter pill to swallow.


Learning that my jadedness had carried with me--put
a shadow over my dealings with all others, colored all
my thinking, kept people at a distance, kept me from
living free or developing--that was equally difficult
to see and then to admit.


But I did. Because I want to be well. I don't want to
be filled with bitterness and complaint and despair.
I want to recognize my brilliance and perfection and
worthiness. I want to stop living in the past and
move into the possibility of now.

I have as much of a future as I choose to have.


If only I am willing to relinquish my vice grip on
emotions. If I can forgive what was done to me. If
I can forgive myself for continuing it.
I disallow room in my world for contempt and
blame.